Grieve

My family and close friends must've known, that my little sister and I were like cat and mouse, or cat and dog. Whatever. We. Fought. All. The. Time.

We'd started fighting even since she could barely talk. I found her annoying. And she might find me, too, annoying.

We're 8 years apart. That's how they tried to tell me, to give in and yield, by reminding me how much older I was and how she's just a baby. It could be translated as: "Do you have no shame to fight a little girl??"

But I could never understand the logic behind the argument. So what if she's 8 years younger? Wrong is wrong, and usually I'm the right one. Or so I thought.

There are things I couldn't understand. And she always found a way to tick me. Consciously or not.

Though our chinese zodiacs told a very different relationship: We supposed to be the best of best friends. Nevertheless, we fought often. Always.

Then I left when she was almost eleven. From then on, the routine communication we did were just on birthdays, Christmases and New Years. The older we got, the less we fought. Though maybe we should give the "distance" a huge credit.

But still... In all those years I often couldn't understand her. Why she'd done this and that. How could she?

To me, she'd always been that annoying little immature sister. Who made a mess in the house and did things as she liked.

Then tons and tons of her friends came to the funeral. Weeping and said: She was a very kind person. And suddenly I'm a proud sister.

I'm very grateful for the last few weeks with her. We talked a lot and not once fought.

But it also became my biggest regret.

It turns out very easy to talk to her. And I've wasted all those years just to feel like a sister at the last few weeks.

It took me years to finally be able to talk casually about my Dad. No one knows how many years it'll take me this time.

But I choose to live with the pain. It's not a thing you can forget. They say, people grow bigger around the grief. The grief itself never grows smaller. So the only way is just to live with it.

I'm still trying to.

It's just, as of today, I'm not big enough yet.

❤

Now that I think about it, the reason why I couldn't understand her for years is because she's an extraordinary person. And I'm just an ordinary one. Afterall pretty flowers get picked first and God evidently has an impeccable taste.

A Gift

A Gift

Do you like it, Dad? :')

I hope I could make it sooner, much sooner, so you could help me. You know, you're really good at drawing. :) It's really hard to draw people -___-.

How is it, Dad? I do have some talents, right? Hehehe.

Now I can draw better, my friends told me so. I learned a lot from you. You looked the coolest when you're painting or drawing ^^.

Now, I'm just realizing I never made something for you. :( So, this is what I made today. I think I still need to learn and practice more :[

I hope you like it :') and please accept it as a belated gift from me.

Love you, Papa.

Chika

Mr. Big - To Be With You

Hold on, little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up, little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on, baby, come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues 
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence 
So you can be on top for once
Wake up. Who cares about little boys 
That talk too much?
I've seen it all go down
The game of love was all rained out
So come on, baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues 
Just to be the next to be with you

Why be alone when we can be together, baby?
You can make my life worth while
I can make you start to smile
When it's through, it's through
And fate will twist the both of you
So come on, baby, come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues 
Just to be the next to be with you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues 
Just to be the next to be with you

Just to be the next to be with you

The Wedding Songs

Belakangan ini, lagu-lagu yang gue dengar adalah lagu-lagu korea. Maklum, gue terjebak dalam korean wave. Sebagian besar lagu yang gue dengarkan adalah lagu-lagu Lee Seung Gi, Kim Joong Kook. C.N. Blue, SG Wannabe, Shinhwa, Baek Ji Young, dan beberapa soundtrack drama korea yang enak-enak.

Tapi, entah kenapa, sore ini gue pengen dengerin lagu lain. Jadi gue buka-buka folder musik dan menemukan sebuah folder bernama "wedding!". 

Akhirnya gue masukin seluruh isi folder itu ke playlist dan mulai nge-shuffle. Satu persatu, lagunya mulai diputar dan tiba-tiba semua memori di masa SMA itu muncul lagi :'). Maybe I really am too melancholy. Nggak tau kenapa ya... kangen banget sama masa-masa itu, terutama waktu kelas XI IPA 1. Kisah-kisah di masa itu bisa dilihat di sini, sini, dan sini. 

Anyway, kenapa lagu-lagu kawinan ini bisa bikin gue kangen sama teman-teman? Begini ceritanya...

Puisi Akrostik

Sebuah Puisi

Oleh: Jessica Marceline

Jengah aku menanti senja dikala kelabu kelam membayang

Elok purnama diredam awan, hanya gulita merasuk, masuk

Siapa itu berlari di pandang? Walau beku menoreh tulang

Sepi, hanya sunyi mengucap, berseru menggetar rusuk

Ilalang menari tertiup angin, berdansa ia dengan kumbang

Cangkang jiwa terhempas lalu retak, dirajam letih, ditikam resah menusuk

Aku ingin angin terbangkan mega! Bukan menggoyang alang

Mazmur cendana ingin kudengar! Bukan sepi mengguruh maruk

Api emosi tersulut gundah, tirta di pelupuk tergenang

Racau diri menggaung sedih, menggema lirih, melebur harap

Cinta dan cita bertemu  di bawah gantang

Entah bagaimana

Lalu mengapa?

Indahkah waktu berkata? Saat putus diambil sudah

Nista ini bermuka dua! Walau tungkai lari acuhkan semua dan lidah berujar tegas

Elak hati ingin kembali, tinggalkan asa untuk tetap di sini

Tangerang, 22 Maret 2011

A Zippo Lighter with Ox Inscription

This Lighter
It isn't new. In fact, It has already broken.
I can see myself in it, like a mirror. But, it isn't shiny.
The metal body has many scratches, showing people what it has been through.

To: Wherever Dad is

(Written on Friday, June 18 2010 at 05.40)

Belakangan gue selalu keinget bokap gue. Miss you, Pa... Well, udah hampir 3 tahun ternyata. Orang jadul percaya bahwa setelah 1000 hari (around 3 years), arwah seseorang baru akan benar-benar meninggalkan dunia ini. Gue nggak tahu itu bener apa nggak, tapi kalau kepikiran itu, tiba-tiba gue merasakan kehilangan itu lagi. 

Ketika Kalor Bertemu NaCl

Akhirnya....
Mid-Test selesai juga. Yippie!! Sebenernya, besok masih ada Komputer, tapi berhubung nggak bakal gue pelajarin juga, so...

Nah, mau cerita soal MID kali ini. Seperti biasa, ada tiga mata pelajaran yang mahadasyat. Let me introduce:

KIMIA FISIKA MATEMATIKA

Cerpen BI

Sebelum Aku Menghilang
Oleh: Jessica Marceline


“ Bagaimana keadaan pasien ini, Sus?”
“ Entahlah, Dok. Belum ada kemajuan.”
“ Hmmm… Baiklah, tolong beritahu saya kalau keluarganya sudah datang.”
“Baik, Dok.”

Suara-suara asing itu menganggu tidurku. Entah sudah berapa lama aku terbaring di sini. Kucoba untuk membuka kedua mataku, putih. Putih dimana-mana. Kudengar suara langkah kaki orang-orang berlalu-lalang. Kemudian aku mencoba untuk duduk. Usahaku yang pertama hampir gagal karena rasa pening luar biasa yang menyerang. Ada apa ini?

Satu Detik yang Tak Berulang

Kalau ada orang yang nanya ke gue: apa penyesalan terbesar dalam hidup lo? 
Jawaban gue cuman satu: Gue nggak sempet minta maaf ke bokap gue. 

Dari semua yang telah terjadi dan nggak akan berulang, ada satu yang gue mengerti. Orang tua itu juga manusia. Bukan dewa atau Tuhan. Mereka memang pemberian Tuhan untuk merawat kita, tapi mereka juga tetap manusia. Mereka bisa melakukan kesalahan. Sayangnya, gue baru menyadari hal itu setelah semuanya lewat. 

Di suatu siang terakhir, dimana bokap gue mengeluh seharian kalau kepalanya pusing, dan dimana gue merasa capek setengah mati abis ngurus acara di sekolah, gue menyia-nyiakan kesempatan gue yang terakhir untuk bicara baik-baik dengan bokap gue. Karena, siapa yang nyangka kalau itu adalah siang terakhir dimana bokap gue masih sadar. 

Setiap detik yang seharusnya jadi detik berharga itu, gue habiskan dengan ngedumel sendiri dan kesel setengah mati, karena bokap gue punya kebiasaan kalau lagi sakit rewelnya luar biasa. Itu bikin gue yang udah capek dari sekolah, sebel luar biasa. Sampai bokap gue dibawa ke rumah sakit dan setelah gue diomelin sama nyokap dan cici gue (soalnya gue nyolot abis), gue baru sadar: ITU BOKAP LO LAGI SAKIT!!! 

Malam hari di hari yang sama, gue adalah orang terakhir yang bicara sama bokap gue di telepon. Dan gue nggak minta maaf di kesempatan terakhir itu. Betapa bodohnya gue. Karena besoknya, bokap gue udah ga ada. 

Waktu bokap gue masih koma di rumah sakit, gue berulang kali minta maaf di sampingnya. Rasanya udah terlambat, tapi gue harap papa mendengar. 

Sulit untuk percaya kalau seseorang udah nggak ada, kalau semua benda yang berhubungan dengannya ada di sekeliling lo. Mulai dari baju, sampe sendal jepit yang biasa dipake bokap kalo lagi nyirem pohon. 

Setelah itu selama seminggu penuh, gue nggak bisa dan nggak berani liat foto-foto bokap, bahkan baju-bajunya yang masih ada di lemari. Termasuk ngedengerin lagu yang ada hubungannya dengan ayah. Begitu sampe rumah sehabis pemakaman, yang gue lakukan langsung ngambil VCD pelepasan SD gue dimana bokap gue yang jadi salah satu perwakilan orang tua ada di video itu. Dan gue cuman bisa nangis, nonton bokap gue di dalam TV. 

For: My Dad =)

Lirik lagu ini pas banget. 

*Josh Groban - To Where You Are*

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory, so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above